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Beware the Woman who is not

Thailand et al |

Wicked time in Thailand generally. One night in Bangkok and one night on Koh Samui, neither of which impressed me incredibly. Went on to Koh Pengyan for 5 days which was fantastic!

Made some good friends from Liverpool, Ireland and Holland "I am from Hoooolland, isn't that weird" oh yes they were, and met some interesting characters. Pete, meet some girls from St Albans - I've told them all about you and they can't wait to get back and see for themselves if the stories are true. he he he...

Koh Pengyan was full of dangerous traps wherever you turned. The most dangerous of which is undoubtedly the ladyboy. My soon to be published theory is that all people in Thailand start off as men however at some point someone, most likely the matriarchical family head (no pun intended), decides which will become female. Unlucky if you don't like c*ck. I didn't come across (again, no pun intended) a single thai woman that didn't have 'sausage potential'. I'm now looking at all woman a little suspiciously after my time in thailand. We made friends with a fella from thailand and we were sitting around having a drink. I noticed a group of fairly good looking thai girls and jokingly asked him if any of them were ladyboy's. "All of them." They looked more like woman than a few girls I know. I was shaken. Maybe it's the thai method for trying to keep us all on the straight and narrow, well it sure as hell worked for me. It was head down, walk fast, bum clenched for the rest of the holiday. The worst ladyboy effort was on the plane from Bangkok to Singapore. I was upgraded from econo to business. At the check in counter the lady advised me I would have to wear long pants for the upgrade. I now realise it's not an airline regulation, she was looking after my best interests as she sat me next to two of the worst attempts at female I have ever seen. Man hands, Jeremy sized feet, Stallone chins and limbs hairy than ol' 'Gorilla Arms' Robinson.

While in Koh Samui I was trying to find a good place to go out, but it seemed everywhere was packed with thai pros. I was walking through the main night club area and the streets were lined with thai girls calling out at me "I make you velly happy!", "I looooove you!" - to which i replied "You don't even know me!" I walked straight down the middle of the road, they would run out and grab me, touch me, at one point one stood right in front of me and tried to stop me walking so she got a big right hand fend to the head. They were treating me like an object. All they wanted me for was my body (and wallet) - but I'm sooo much more than that! Dammit I have feelings! Feelings I tell you! ....Sorry.

One of the lads from Liverpool thought he'd quite like one of the Thai girls, so picked one out he thought was particularly efeminite and went off with her to his room. Money was exchanged, at some point after this she decided to tell him "I have operation" and pointed downstairs. The lad told us he kicked her out, threw up, and that "nothing had happened". I have no reason to think anything else...

For those that have been I'm sure you've all seen the fire dancing they do each night. Well one night they brought out the 'ring of fire', no it wasn't an initiation with a ladyboy, or a super hot chilli pad thai, it was a ring of fire suspended from ropes which the thai fire dancers would leap through. "Well this didn't look too hard" I thought, as you do after a couple of buckets of thai whisky, so ran and dived head first through the ring of fire (I reiterate it's nothing to do with ladyboys) and army rolled with a 10 point landing. A round of applause, fire dancers looking a little surprised and me missing a little more hair.

Natalie, I did buy you some thai whisky, but I'm not sure it will make it back to the UK!

In Perth at the moment, nice city but it's pissing with rain and pretty cold. Off to Melbourne tomorrow.

Hope all is well in the UK. Let me know what's been going on.

Locations Visited: Bangkok Metropolis, Koh Samui, Koh Phangan

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